Friday, April 14, 2006

What the Funk!!

Yes, I am in a Funk, along with my other friends and bloggers. Man, WTF happened? Spring is supposed to be a good time for rebirth, new things happening, out with the old, in with the new. Not me, stuck here in Lethbridge Alberta wondering "WTF".

I've been trying the past few weeks to hold my head above water and I think I'm finally coming around. I've been making changes in the house all week, one major change is Jordan's old room. I say old room because he decided 3 weeks ago our rules were to much for him and he was sick of having little brothers. He never asked for them and was happy going thru life as the only child than I f**k it up and give him 2 siblings he never wanted nor asked for into this world. Well sorry kid but this is my life too. So for the past 6 years Jordan has been rebelling in all sorts of creative ways. By creative I mean hitting his brothers starting from Justice being less than a year old and just before we moved to Lethbridge 4 years ago he decided he did not want to come. Yes, this 12 year old boy at the time decided he did not want to move so we shouldn't move. This was all after my father had passed away and I had given birth to Collin. Rob had already secured a job here and I had had enough of my family, let's just say the are a bunch of crazy ass MOFO's. I know I shouldn't describe my family in such a harsh way but after what they have put me thru after and before my dad's passing I'd just rather forget that I was even apart of that family. So, back to my story, Jordan decided he wasn't moving and convinced my mother(I use that term loosely)and sister(one of them) to go for guardianship of Jordan if I didn't agree to stay, this all took place 4 days before the move and a few days after I told my mother to go stay with my sister I wanted a week to get my shit together for the move and have some peace and quiet. She didn't take that too well, she was darn sure I wouldn't move. So, all this going on just before the move and Rob here in Lethbridge working. I signed the paper for guardianship to my mother for Jordan and the night before our move Jordan calls saying he changed his mind and wanted to come. It was such a relief, I was having such a hard time dealing with the fact I may have to leave him and possibly not see him again for a long time.

So Jordan shows up, escorted by my mother and sister and my sister starts flipping out on the street. I mean flipping, screaming at the top of her lungs and all I wanted to do was leave Edmonton and never go there again and that is pretty much what we have done. I had to go there twice since the move, the first time was a month after we left to go back for my car(broke down the day before the move) and again a few months later to see our insurance guy and that was in 2002.

Now, jump ahead to September 2005, Jordan(15years old) quits school and decides that hanging out and partying with 16+ year olds is the better way to go. He runs away and while gone he calls my mother asking her if he could go live with her. She calls and yells at me(we hadn't spoken since Sept.02) saying she has her own life and she didn't want the kids she had so why would she want him. Yes, when I described my family as crazy ass MOFO's that is partly why. This woman now has a boyfriend who is only years older than Rob and I and she's partying like it's 1999(Old Prince fan). She even had the nerve to ask me for pictures so she could show some fellow co-workers we worked with how the kids look etc and also asked for my address, no I did not give it to her nor did I send pictures. After going thru this running away BS with Jordan for the past how many months I thought he finally straightened himself out the last time he left and we didn't let him come home and he spent a week walking around or sitting at a park all night long and the weather wasn't to warm in the evening. He came home, got a job, his first one at Burger King and everything was going not to bad. He had just bought himself a PS2 with his big cheque of 400 bucks and had plans to go back to school in the fall. Then the calls starting coming from the losers he had hung out with, wanting to know if the boy was doing good and maybe hang out again. WTF, don't any of these people have a brain. I told them just to leave him be, he was doing fine. Skip ahead a week later and Jordan calls saying he was staying at a friends house for the night after work on a Friday but had his stuff for work Saturday, fine, I can live with that. The friends place he was going too doesn't live that far from us and had gotten out of that group of "friends" when one of them flipped out at his place of work and got him fired. Monday rolls around and we hear nothing from Jordan, who has the Sunday and Monday off so I assumed(bad to do) that he'd be back Monday night or Tuesday morning for a fresh uniform. Nope, Tuesday night rolls around and who shows up with 15 of the loser friends, Jordan. He thinks I'm home alone, Rob usually works double shifts on Tuesdays and just happened to be home. I see them coming up the walk and say "WTF", go running to the door and whip it open and ask him WTF is going on? He says he doesn't want to live with us and he wants all his stuff, including the TV, new futon etc. I told him all he gets are his clothes and PS2 and one of the f***ed up girls starts yacking at me saying they are taking what Jordan is entitled to. F**k that, I told them to get off my property and Jordan gets nothing. I ran down stairs grabbed his suitcase stuffed it with as many clothes as I could get in, threw the rest of his crap in bags and tossed it on the front lawn and told him that was all he gets. One of the guys he was with said if I had a problem he would straighten me out. This coming from a little shrimp that wasn't even as tall as I am(5'4 barely) and if I had a problem with Bonnie, to take it up with him. I respond to that by saying, "Who the F**k is Bonnie"(that's my crazy ass sister who was with my mom 4 years back). Yes, I forgot who she was, pretty funny. That almost knocked them on their asses, they couldn't believe what I had just said, so "Fun Boy"(that's what Rob refers to him as, yes we are, "The Crow" fans, but who didn't think Brandon Lee was hot)says that is your sister, don't you remember your own sister, NOPE!!hehehehe. So that is the gist of it.

Jordan has been gone for 3+ weeks now, it is very hard. How can he go from being a sweet, innocent child to someone you don't even know overnight. It was a total 360 and now he is in Edmonton with my sister and his main reason for leaving was he just wanted to be the only child. For the past 3 weeks I've been trying to wrap my head around everything that has happened and it just doesn't make sense. I'm trying to act as if everything is fine but falling apart inside. I just don't get it, am I that dumb? WTF, I gave him everything, even as a single mother for the first 6 years, working a full time and part time job to make sure he had everything and more than every other child had that was growing up in a two parent home. Sacrifices were made by me to make sure he had the best life possible and what for, to get this shit. Right now all I want is my dad to make everything better, I am, was a daddy's girl, the oldest in a family of 4 girls. I was very close to my father, and I was the first one he told when he was diagnosed with cancer 4 years ago, January 7, 2002, not my mother that heartless bitch. I was never close to her and always new my dad would be there for me when I needed him. When he told me he had cancer and only had 6 months at best to live I didn't break down. I let him cry and held him but I didn't cry. I was there to comfort him and try to be positive, he so wanted to be alive when Collin was born, but he died 10 days before my scheduled c-section on. I only broke down twice in front of him that was 2 days before he died and when I said goodbye to him at the hospital 2 hours before he died. He didn't want me to be there because I would take it the hardest and he didn't want me to remember him that way. I fed him his last meal in the hospital, chicken broth and apple juice. He was so out of it at the time, talking about the past and when he worked for Syncrude, it was heartbreaking. To this day, I remember everything that happened that day in the hospital, watching him take his last breathe right down to the smells and sounds.

This is the hardest post I've made yet, I've tried before to get this out but if I did get to a point were I could publish I wouldn't. It's just so personal and I'm a very private person. To everyone who sees me, no one knows what's going on except for Rob's best friend and his dad and my new friend and fellow spinner/fiber junkie, Joanne. For those of you who have made it to the end, Thank you for listening/reading. Wow, it does take alot of balls and sparkling wine to bare all even if it is online.

Thanks all, have a good night.


Blogger SDMC said...

Bless your heart! I'm so sorry!

6:22 p.m.  
Blogger Askinstoo said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

10:56 p.m.  
Blogger Askinstoo said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

11:41 p.m.  
Blogger Kate said...

I'm so sorry! We raise our kids the best we can and pray that everything we've taught them has stuck. You can't live for Jordan. He has to make decisions and he'll wake up one day and realize "my mom might have known something after all". It sounds like he's made some pretty bad choices and I hope all turns out for the best in the end.

8:11 a.m.  
Blogger Shelby said...

Wow, I'm sorry! Hopefully he'll come around soon.

11:06 a.m.  
Blogger mainiax said...

All I can say is been there done that. I was a rebellious teen in the 80's when it was much safer to be one I grew out of it but my mom always reminds me of what I was like. My daughter is now 15 and lives with her dad and grandmother. We have been having some ruff times too. If you need to vent drop me an email.

12:27 p.m.  
Blogger Isabel said...

your kid is creating his life, for better or worse. it must be hard to let him go, but living is about bad choices as well as good choices. let him know you love him and that's the best you can do, i think. i'm so sorry, i don't think he knows the effect he is making on you: i feel so bad for the hell i put my own mom thru reading your post. i think i owe her a call now!

5:55 a.m.  
Blogger Heatherly said...

i am so sorry! my husband is a youth pastor to quite an interesting group of teens....sounds alot like the pack that showed up at your house coulda dropped by and visited us a time or two! actually in the last 3 yrs, things are so much better! we dont call the cops every week and kids dont show up stoned for youth group any more...well a couple still do... and we survived 420 last night! whoo hoo!!!!
any way, the tumultous lives of teens! i am always surprised at how decent some of the parents are! and sometimes shocked at how stoned their parents are! my heart aches thinking about what you are going thru. praying for you and jordan.

11:19 a.m.  
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10:05 a.m.  
Blogger Askinstoo said...

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10:48 a.m.  
Blogger Angora Diva said...

hang in there's bad now and it could get worse but someday he will come around needing his mother. You are a decent woman and I know you don't need this right now but we are all here for you from what I can see from all these wonderful replies! Looking forward to Friday and if you need to chat in the meantime you can give me a call..

11:42 p.m.  
Blogger knittinmom said...

Oh, you poor thing. I am dreading when my kids become teenagers, because the older they get, the more you have to let them go. Your family certainly isn't making it any easier for you!

Hang in there, and I hope Jordan sees how good he had it and comes home!!! Big hugs!

4:10 p.m.  
Blogger Susan said...

I just stopped by to see how you've been and I'm so sorry. Hang in there, honey.

6:53 p.m.  

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